Edward's Woman Troubles
by Kaito Kuroba's Mistress
Summary: Edward gets a makeover! Later in the story Emmett and Bella go to the store, Bella loves Ice Cream, Bella learns of Edward's feminine troubles, and much more random stuff. 'Just for the heck of it' kind of story. Who ever knew that Eddy was so...girly?
1. Edward's Makeover!

**Ok. So, I like humorous stories. And Edward hates make up. On him. And Alice loves make up. And dresses. And Bella loves Ice Cream, apparently. So I hope someone will like this. I just felt like writing it. I was like, "Hey! I'm gonna write a story about Edward getting a makeover!" I'm random like that, ok? Ok. This is in Bella's POV...And, yes, it's supposed to be ooc. I'm sorry to anyone who is offended by that!**

**Disclaimer: Your Mom owns Twilight. Oh burn. Kidding, ok?! I don't own anything here, cept the general story of this fan fiction. :)**

* * *

It was just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up. The alarm wakes you from a pleasant dream, and you say, "5 More minutes..." And just go back to sleep, for, like, ever. 

But I was going to get up, even if I really didn't want to. I opened my eyes, to see my beautiful angel--GONE!!!!! I sat up immediately.

"NOOOO!!!! I HATE MOUNTAIN LIONS!!!!!"I screamed suddenly, when I was sure he had gone hunting. I remembered that Charlie might be home. Oops.

My suspicions were confirmed as I heard footsteps, and Charlie peeked in my room at my devastated expression.  
"Uh...Is, something...wrong?"he stepped inside the room.

Oh god yes, something's wrong. I looked away, disgusted. "PUT SOME PANTS ON!!!"I yelled, still not looking at him. "Do me a favor dad. Next time you decide to check on me after I burst out something about mountain lions or irritated grizzlies, please get dressed first."

Because Charlie was standing in my doorway. In. The. NUDE. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, he scooted away, obviously embarrassed.

I sighed. Then I saw, on my pillow. A NOTE!!!! GASP! I picked it up.

Bella, it said.

_I, your loving boyfriend, have gone. Sorry. Anyway, I'm at my house. AS SOON AS YOU WAKE UP, come save me from my terrible sister, whom, I'm sure, will really torture me with this. _

_Your Moms Truly,_

_Eddy :)_

Oh, Eddy...you hate my mom. You even told me so.

I ran into the bathroom and took an almost vampire-speed shower, threw on a plain black tee and torn jeans. I brushed my teeth, obsessing over this one tooth who would not "squeak" saying it was clean. I had named that one Eddy Jr. 7. Oh well, I ran down the stairs, trying not to trip, slipped into my truck, and went at the speed of...well, the fastest my old grandpa of a truck would go.

It took me what seemed like 5 minutes in human time to get there. Damn, this thing is slow!! Wow, I really am hanging around my vampire friends too much...

I skipped to the door and rang the door bell. Almost the same second I did, Alice answered the door, looking thoroughly evil today. "Hello, Bella. Come in." Her evil grin and evil voice could only mean one thing:

"Alice, please tell me you are not giving me one of those Barbie-day things!"I pleaded.

"No, I'm not giving _you_ a makeover."she laughed.

"Bella!"Edward's voice called from above us. Oh crap, he was God! No wait, he was upstairs. "You do know you can come in any time, without ringing that stupid noise of a bell!!!!"

I laughed. Eddy seemed a bit...anxious today. "So, where is he? In his room? Can I go see him?"I asked Alice.

"NOOOO!!!! And he's in the bathroom."Alice smiled evilly again.

At first I didn't understand. "Vampires go to the bathroom? OH!...Okay. You're giving Eddy a MAKE OVER?!?!?!?"

Alice nodded. "Edwardo gets a make over."

"O. M. G!!!!!!" I said. Just then, Emmet was beside me. "Hi Emmett."I said.

"C'mon Bella!!! While we're waiting for Edwin to be done, let's make cookies."

"STOP CALLING ME BY MY WRONG NAMES!!!! Except Bella."Edward said from the Bathroom. "Shut up Emmet."

Emmett must have thought something gross again...Oh well. "Let's make cookies later. I've always wanted to really EXPLORE Edward's room."

"That's good too,"Emmett said, shrugging. I bet he'd already done it millions of times in the last...however many millions of years they'd been here.

"NOOOO!!!!!"Edward screeched. But he didn't dare come out of that bathroom...I bet Alice had tied him to a chair. Oh, like that would stop him.

So Emmett slung me across his back like a fireman and zoomed up to Edward's room. I searched through all his desks and crap, until Emmett pointed silently to the carpet. I lifted it up, and saw a secret compartment. I looked up to Emmett curiously.

"It's for his past..._woman troubles_."he whispered. I wasn't sure what he meant. Maybe he didn't have a woman before me and went all emo and had gone through a phase of cutting his wrist, trying to kill his vampiric self and failing, while wearing black, and tons of eyeliner. Then a makeover wouldn't be such a big deal, would it?

I shrugged and lifted the little piece of wood. Inside was a big plastic bag. Wal-Mart? I looked inside and gulped.Then I stared in disgust and shock at the items in the bag.

"TAMPONS?!"I gasped. In the bag were tampons, pads, ibuprofen(ummm...guessing on the spelling there) and many pairs of Edward's jeans and underwear, stained with what looked like blood. I replaced the carpet and turned away slowly.

"Let's go make some cookies..."I said disgustedly.

"Well, we'll need to go to the store first,"Emmet told me. Of course: they wouldn't have any food, stupid vampires!

I stomped down the stairs and went into their enormous living room and plopped down on the couch, with my arms folded across my chest. I didn't want to go anywhere until I saw Eddy with make-up on!!!!

Just then, Alice came marching down the stairs. "Introducing, Miss Edward Cullen!!!"


	2. Lesbians

**Next Chappie!!!**

**

* * *

W-o-w!!!** Edward was...well, hot!!!!! I mean...pretty! Yeah. Pretty. He had on pink lipstick, blush, eyeliner (he probably didn't care about the eyeliner because of his emo phase) and gold sparkly eyeshadow that matched his eyes perfectly. He was wearing a very revealing - if you were a girl - black-and-pink striped tanktop, showing off his muscles and his belly-button, and a tight black REALLY mini-skirt, with a lip print on the butt.

I laughed my head off, along with Emmett. The other Cullens came to see what was up, and also laughed hysterically. I whistled at him, and he scowled. He walked over to me, making me look down at his shoes because of the clunking sound they made. He was wearing knee-high black boots with like a three-inch platform. I would kill myself in those...

So Edward grabbed my hand and dragged me outside. I was, once again, glad that he didn't know what I was thinking. He shoved me into the passenger side of his shiny pink Volvo-did I mention Alice had given that a make-over too?-and the engine roared to life as he sat beside me. I looked over and noticed he was now wearing a wig-he had blond hair .

"Edward, where are we going?"I asked.

He smiled at me. "Port Angeles. A lot of your friends will be their, today's Saturday." I nodded, but it made no sense to me. Why would he want all my friends to see him like this?

We were there in like 3 minutes. He took my hand and we paraded around the streets, guys checking Edward out. Then it occured to me that he really did look like a girl, and if I hadn't known it was him, I wouldn't know it was...

We soon spotted a group of kids from school, including Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Angela, and Ben and some people I didn't know.

"Hey Bella!"Mike said. Then he spotted Edward. "Who's she?"

"Uh...She's my friend. Uhm...Alice."I responded, using the first name that came in my head.

"Oh my god, Alice CULLEN?!"Jessica gasped.

_No, _I thought, _Edward Cullen._

"Um...No. My other friend Alice. She doesn't go to our school,"I lied.

Suddenly, Edward smiled at me and leaned his head in and kissed me. In front of everyone! And he looked like a girl. Hecky, for all they knew, he was a friggin girl!!

Now I see the point in coming here...He wanted to embarrass me!

He finally pulled away.

"Edward!"I gaped sharply, accidentally blowing the secret.

"SHHH!!!!"He said. Too late, Eddy!

"Oh my god, Edward Cullen?"Jessica said.

"I knew there was something wrong with him..."Mike muttered.

"That explains the biceps,"Angela shrugged. "And the leg hair..."Ben added.

Edward yanked his wig off, muttering, "Damn it."

"Sorry Eddy,"I said timidly.

He rolled his eyes and smiled at me. "That's what I get for trying to humiliate my clumsy Bella."

He kissed me again.

"Get a room,"a few people mumbled.

"Get your MOM a room!!!"Edward roared back. They cowered in fear.

"Come on Eddy,"I said, and we skipped off into the sunset.

* * *

So after we got home, Edward washed his face and tried desperately to get out of those tight clothes without ripping them; Alice would kill him. 

So me and Emmet-

"Emmett and I,"Emmett whispered.

Right, _Emmet and I_, went to the store to get ingredients for cookies!

"Stay with me, please Emmett. Don't go get yourself in trouble, and no we are NOT buying the whole store!!!"I commanded him.

"Ok..."he promised.

So we went through the store, picking out needed and wanted items for cookies. Emmett was SO ANNOYING!!!

"Can we get this?"Emmett asked.

"No."I answered.

"Can we get this?"

"No."

"Can we get this?"

"No."

"Can we get--?"

"Shut up Emmett!!!!"I screamed. Everyone in the store looked at me weird. I would too; I mean, who ever sees a high school girl being like a mom to a guy who looks like he could be in college! Then again, if they only knew Emmett...

We finally got all the ingredients and went out to my truck.

"Hey Grandpa,"I muttered. I was about to put all the grocery bags in the back of the truck, when I looked in the cart; They were gone!

"Emmett!"I yelled at him, "Where are all the groceries?!"

He pointed inside the truck All the bags were there. He was being suspiciously helpful today, what with Edward's not-so-secret woman troubles and his apparent Emo phase, and helping me with food...Weird...

"Hi Bella!"Edward said happily when we got inside the house.

"Hey Eddy,"I replied. "wanna help us make cookies?"

"Sorry, Bella, that's gonna have to wait. You have to leave. Sorry. I'll come back later tonight, but I have to go hunting in the morning."

I nodded. His eyes did seem noticably dark today...So I went home and snuggled in bed with my angelic vampire of a boyfriend.

* * *

sorry for the shortness to anyone that cares!! 


	3. Ice Cream Sorry really short chappie!

**Ok, So here it is...The answer to the question. WHY THE HELL DOES EDDY HAVE ALL THAT GIRLY STUFF!? Later in the chapter. :)**

* * *

So I woke up in the morning, and sighed when I remembered that Edward went hunting. He had, once again, left a note on my pillow.

Bella, it said.

_I was going to wake you when I left, but you were talking in your sleep, and smiling too. You said, "Cream Eddy Vanilla Want" over and over. It was interesting. Don't hurt yourself while I'm gone!_

_ Your Luvey Dovey Boy_

_ Edwardo._

I stared curiously. What had I dreamed last night? I was eating ice cream, and Eddy was watching me. Which reminded me, I really did crave some of that ice cream...

I walked downstairs, and saw none other than Alice sitting at my kitchen table. Oh no...I groaned inwardly.

"Alice, what are you doing here?"I asked quickly, grimacing.

She smiled and responded. "Well...Edward wanted me to make sure you didn't do something clumsy and stupid."

"Please tell me it's not barbie-day today."I moaned.

She laughed quietly. "No, no. You just do whatever you want. I'm just going to accompany you. So what's first?"

"Uhm..."As I deliberated over this, my stomach growled. Alice stared at it with something almost like fear.

"Bella, you just grumbled,"she whispered, as if it was an embarrassing secret.

"Yeah, let's go to the store first."I decided. Alice laughed louder than before, ending with a roll of her eyes and she muttered, "What for? Breakfast or 'Cream Eddy Vanilla Want'?"

Heat rushed to my cheeks, turning them pink. "He told you about that?"I mumbled.

She smiled and led me out to where Emmett's jeep was. I could see a dark shadow inside. I groaned. "You didn't tell me Emmett was coming." We made our way to the Jeep, and I scooted in.

Emmett turned around from the passenger seat, smiling, and replied to my just spoken sentence. "She never told you I wasn't. So, where are we going?"

I sighed and grimaced. It would be much more...interesting, or annoying, when Emmett was there. "The store."

"Yee-hee!"Emmett clapped his hands like a little girl. Suddenly we were there; I didn't notice that we had even moved...

We went through the store, Emmett obedient (meaning quiet) for once, until Aisle 11.

He sighed. "I'm bored. And I noticed you don't have any grizzly bears here...or blood. I hope they realize that there are thirsty vampires that live around here,"he said loudly.

A few people turned their heads to stare at him. I smiled convincingly, silently cursing Emmett. "Silly Emmett, and your TV shows..."

"Emmett!"Alice whispered accusingly. "Don't be so stupid."

"Well, I was just saying the truth...I mean, you'd be a lot happier if they sold blood here, right Bella? Then Edward could be here, instead of out hunting."

"SHUT UP EMMETT!!!"Alice and I both screamed at the same time. He puffed out his lower lip, and made sad puppy-dog eyes, purposely making his lower lip tremble. I rolled my eyes and we quickly went to the frozen stuff.

I stopped suddenly. "Where's Emmett?"I asked Alice exasperatedly. She shrugged at me, a growl rumbling in her chest.

"Why didn't you see this coming?!"I asked her.

"Why Didn't you see YOUR MOM coming?!"Alice retorted. "Oh burn..."

Then Emmett was back, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Emmett, what did you do?"Alice sighed.

"When I tell--"I started.

He held out a box of vanilla ice cream at me, smiling brilliantly. I quickly snatched it and said, "I didn't see a thing."

I bought 4 more things of ice cream and we went back home.

* * *

So the next day, when Eddy came home at about lunchtime, I was stuffing myself with "Cream Eddy Vanilla Want".

And he asked me, "Is that cream Eddy Vanilla Want?" I nodded. I finished that box and threw it in the general direction of the trash, not really caring when it rolled to the ground.

Edward chuckled and took me, running, to his house. We went into his room. When I stepped on his carpet, I remembered.

"Eddy. It may be personal, but...umm..." I didn't know how to ask him, so I lifted up the carpet and the little compartment with the Emo phase stuff in it.

He blinked. "Again? EMMETT!!!!!"

"Huh?"I was sooo confused.

"Emmett put those in there like a long time ago. I took them out, but I guess he put them back. I should have known...It was disgusting to even touch it all, and don't even ask me where EMMETT got them!"

This explanation gave me more perverted questions than answers. I was really sad though, because..."Does this mean you never went through a rebellious emo phase, cutting yourself because you didn't have a girlfriend and wearing black?"

He looked at me strangely, and shook his head unsure-like. I pouted.

"Would it make you feel better if I became emo for a while?"he asked reluctantly. I nodded vigorously.

"Ok. Starting tomorrow at school!"he announced before falling over onto the floor cuz he likes to do that.

...What?

...Why are you still here?

...WHAT??!?!?!!?

"The End."Emmett whispered.

Ok, they're gone now. Good.


	4. Emo Kid

**Edward becomes EMO!!! OMG!!!!!**

** If anyone has ideas for this story, please tell me!!!! I want to continue, but I'm just not very...creative:)**

* * *

Edward's POV- 

So, like, I like walked like to like school. That like is like what like emos like say, right? "like"? No, that's preps, sorry.

So, I walked to school. But I don't walk to school!!! Oh yeah...So I drove Bella to school in my newly-black-painted Volvo, listening to emo songs...

_ "I must be Emo. _

_ I'm dark and sensitive with low self-esteem. The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween. I have no real problems but I like to make believe. I stole my sister's mascara, now I'm grounded for a week."_

Yes. So I got out of the car, wondering about how Alice didn't really have mascara, did she? Everyone looked at me...I had on tight black pants, a black shirt with a bleeding heart on it and a black jacket over; I had black eyeliner on, and black lipstick. And I somehow grew my hair out overnight and dyed it black; It was in the emo over-your-eyes-and-you-have-to-flip-your-head-over-and-over hair.

Bella stared at me. No one could stop laughing. A quiet growl came in my little round thingy under my head.  
But no one heard, cause they were all laughing.

"WHAT??!"I asked.

"You...look...funny!!!"Some random dude told me through his laughing.

"YOUR MOM LOOKS FUNNY!!!!"I screamed. Then they were all quiet, and that random kid fainted, and then someone else showed me a picture of his ugly mom, and that was why he fainted. Oops. I shrugged and walked into the SCHOOL OF DOOM. --doom- -doom--

"Mooo-AHAHAHA!!!"a random teacher laughed. I sat in the corner of the classroom, trying to slit my wrist. Down the road, not across it...I repeated this tip in my mind.

"Ugh."I said in an emo way. My wrists would not slit!!! Urgh.

"Mr. Cullen, would you answer the question?"

"Would your mom answer the question?"I said in a dark, emo way.

At lunch, I got a pizza and took out my nailpolish to paint it black. I put fake eyes and emo-hair on the pizza and named it "Jo Mama".

"You're the only one who gets me..."I said emo-ly to Jo.

"What about me?!"Bella asked. I stared at her.

"Well, of course Un-Emo Bella."I said. "You get me the most, even more than Jo. He doesn't even know my secret. The one that's the reason that I can't bleed!"

She smiled. She was sooo un-emo...Gosh Bella.

"Hey!"She said.

Did she hear that? OMG she's also a vampire...AHHH Sorry, un-emo.

I heard people saying "OMC" all the time, meaning "Oh My Carlisle" right? Well, I got to thinking.Emo thinking, of course.

So then "OME" must be "Oh My Edward"...And OME backwards is...EMO. So I am meant to be emo!!! YAYYY!!!

But, sadly, Emmett suddenly came over and vampire-speed un-emoed me!!! NOOO!!!

Awesome.

"Bella?"I asked. She was druling over a picture of me.

"Bella?!" "..."

"BELLA SWAN?!?!?!?!??!!?!"

She finally looked up. "Gosh. So,my love, was that a long enough emo phase?"

She nodded sadly. "Oh Well..."

* * *

**Yeah I came up with the OME emo Edward thing a while ago. :)**

** YAYYYY!!! EMO.. **


	5. Thunder Man and Edward's Man

**Well, here we go/...I really should update more often...This shall be random.**

* * *

Bella's POV- 

"Aliceee!!!!"I called, running up to her before she ran away.

"BELLAAA!!!!!"She called back.

"I...HAVE AN IDEAAA!!!!!!"I announced.

"O.M.G!!!!!! AN IDEAAAA!!!!"

"Okay, let's make a story, I do one line, you do the next. Yay!"

Alice nodded seriously. "I'll start..." (_Alice _Bella)

_There once was a dude named Jonny. Without an 'h'._

And he loved to peel...onions!!!

_So one day he walked to Poland_

All the way from his home in Austrailia!!!

_And he ate his evil little block of cheese_

Because he was one weird kid!

_And he_ _realized that he was A GIRL!!!!_

And all the people turned into crazy penguins

_The._

End.

"Alice, that rocked soooo awesomely!!!!"I squealed.

Just then, Eddy walked over to us."Bella!!!!"he said.

"Eddy! You're alive!!!"I said.

"Huh?"

"She thought the evil penguin cheese ate you!"Alice explained.

Wow...

"So, Eddy, I got you a birthday present!"I giggled. Alice giggled too, because she'd foreseen the present...

"Birthday...present?"he asked.

I held out a box full of tampons to him. "For your...problems,"I whispered loudly, looking around the school, making sure no one heard.

"Emmett!"Edward growled.

Emmett died. Because he's a vampire! And he is like, soooo much dead :P

"Oh, fruit cakes,"I said to myself.

"Let's eat!"Alice said.

"Eat fruit cakes?"I asked.

"No, you, silly little duck!"

"NOOO!!!! I always thought it was silly GOOSE!!!!!!!!"I yelled to the world.

Edward laughed at me. So I felt like punishing him. "Alice, let's give Eddy a mAkE-oVeR!!!" I grinned evilly as Eddy frowned.

"YAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Alice skipped over to the Volvo and pushed Eddy and me in.

I thought of a hilarious different way to dress Edward...and he would have to act like it too!!!

"Brilliant plan, Bella,"Alice said as she was speeding down the road.

"What?"Edward asked. Apparently, Alice had seen my plan. And apparently, she was blocking her thoughts from Edward.

"Edward, if you do not accept this make over as another phase, like the emo one, and if you don't act like you're dressed, you will be dressed up as a girl every day by Alice."I said.

"What is it...?"Edward asked hesitantly as we got out of the car.

Alice and I smirked at each other and answered in unison, "Gangsta."

"Huh?"Edward asked in shock.

"Yuh know...like 'Yo my peeps, wuz up in da hizzous'?"I said.

"Yeah...'Yo homie-g-home-slice I iz da boss!"Alice said.

"You know like rapping...And of course..."I looked at Alice as I said it, and we said together,"Yo my Vampeep homies, Edd-fo-shizzle is now a GANGSTA!!!!!!!"

Edward stared at us in disgust. "And it only has to be as long as the emo phase?"

I nodded.

"Okay,"he sighed.

This must be better than being Barbie-fied every day... by Alice.

"YA-HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!"Alice screamed, throwing me into the air and then catching me as we walked into the house.

"Eddy's turning Gangsta!"Alice announced to the whole rest of the Cullen family, which was in the living room. They laughed hysterically as we explained.

So I went upstairs with Alice to her room. We picked out a very Gangster-ish outfit from her closet, while I wondered why in the flying fuck Alice had the outfit...

But, very disappointingly, she told me, "Bella, you have to stay in the living room with everyone else till I'm done with him..."

I was pissed off, because it had been MY idea!!! Alice was evil.

"Emmett, there's evil on the loose!"I told him.

"EVILLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!"He screamed. "Come, my loyal sidekick!!!!"

And we changed into weird super hero costumes!!!

"I am, THUNDERRR MANNN!!!!!!"Emmett said heroically. He was wearing a pink leotard with purple tights andhis nails were painted in rainbows. Wow...

"I am, EDWARD('s) MAN!!!!!!!"I said. I was wearing a white leotard with A heart and a picture of Edward inside the heart, and a too-too, black boots, and my nails were painted black. And...a green CAPE!!! YAY!!!!

"How come I don't get a cape?!"Emmett whined. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Let's go, Thunder Man!!!!!!!! We must kill the Evil MIND MAN!!!!!!!"I said.

"Mind man?"Emmett muttered.

"It's Eddy,"I told him.

"I thought Alice was the evil one..."

"Oh shiz-nite...Okay, let's go kill...FORTUNE WOMANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We ran upstairs to the bathroom and I knocked on the door. Alice told me to go away. I tried to open the door, but it was locked!

"Thunder man, they've refused our enter-ing!!" I announced.

Emmett growled like thunder and kicked the door down. "RAHHH!!!!!!!!"he said.

"Omg, Alice!!! That is sooo cute on you!!"I squealed. Alice had on a light blue frilly dress that went down to her knees, and then high boots, like mine, and she also had a cape. It was dark blue and sparkly.

"You think so?"She giggled.

"Awww, come ON!!!!!!"Emmett said. "Am I the only one without a cape?!?!"

"Hi Emmett,"Carlisle said as he passed by, and Emmett stared after him, watching Carlisle's red cape fluttering. Emmett growled.

"Bella!!!"Edward pleaded,"HELP ME!!!" He was sitting on the floor looking wimpy and helpless, halfway through the transformation.

"My name, is, EDWARD('s) MAN!!!!"I told him.

"Please help me, My Man!"he said. I smiled. "Okay."

"Oh, no you don't!"Alice yelled as she got in front of him to fight me and Thunder Man.

"THUNDER BOLT ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!"Emmett roared, and pointed at Alice with a little baton. Sparkly pink stuff shot out of it and she rolled onto the floor, laughing.

"Stop, that tickles!!"she giggled. "Why didn't I see this coming??!?!!?!?!!"

I grabbed poor little Eddy and ran downstairs with him. Alice was coming after us. I turned before going down the stairs, and said, "EDWARD'S LOVE RAYYY!!!!!" And a bunch of hearts spiraled out of the end as I twirled around and fled downstairs. Emmett came too.

"So-much-love!"I heard Alice say. "NOOO!!!!"

"Thunder Man, change him back to normal!!!"I said heroically.

Emmett was a blur around Edward, and then Edward was normal. Yay!

"So...no more make-overs?"he asked.

"Nope!"I said, smiling. So then he kissed me. Awwwwww!!!!

Me and Thunder Man changed back into human-people.

Alice came downstairs glumly pouting. "I hate you. You always ruin my fun. I can't believe I lost..."she muttered.

Poor Alice.

"I'm gonna go be all emo now,"she said, going to the kitchen to get a knife.

"I'm gonna go suck the blood out of our cat..."Edward said. "Wait, we don't have a cat. Carlisle, can we get a cat?!"he yelled upstairs.

"SURE!!!"Carlisle said.

"As soon as we get it, I'm gonna suck the blood out of it."He left to go get a cat. Rosalie couldn't stand to be in the same room with me, and took Emmett with her. Esme went to help Eddy pick out a cat. And Jasper went to make Alice happy, so she couldn't be emo.

So I was all alone now...except for Lewis. "Hey Lewis."I said.

"I'm dead."said Lewis the carpet, and died. Now I was alone. Except you crazy people who are reading about me, staring at me. Go away.

Seriously, you mother is waiting for you. No, wait!!! Do you have a boyfriend?! Yeah, he's waiting for you. He came in through your window! Like Eddy would do!

Go!!! GOOOO!!!!!!

"THE END, OKAY?!?!?!"I screamed.

So now the people are gone. Yay :)


	6. Short Randomosity

**Um...Randomosity might be the right word for it. I'm totally out of ideas. (Any suggestions?) So enjoy the nonsense randomosity no-plot chapter!**

* * *

"CHEESE!!!!!"Emmett yelled happily.

"Edward, why is Emmett dancing about the cheese?"I asked.

"..."

"Edward?"

"I'm still...sucking!"said Edward, sucking cat blood. Wow.

"Emmett, why with the cheese?"I asked. Then Rosalie came up to me and put her elbow on my shoulder.

"Retardation, my friend, retardation..."she said, nodding. So...wait, what?

So Rosalie and I, now bestest friendess, went to play on the tire swing in the park. But she got really mad at the tire swing, and broke it with her super-vampire strength.

"Omg, let's go be weirdosssss" I said.

So we went and said "Blah blah cheeseeeeee" to everyone who passed by us. And they ran away screaming.

"Should we get a new catch phrase?"I asked.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANNA BE AN EMO PUNK ROCKER CHICK DUDE!!!!!"Rosalie said.

"O...kay..."

"I'm Harry Pothead,"she said.

"Omg I'm uhhhhhhhhh Dunderbore!!!!!!"I said,

"YAYYYYY HARRY POTHEAD AND DUNDERBORE!!!!!!"said bunches of random little kids.

"I'm gonna smoke some pot into my hairy head,"Rosalie said.

"I'm gonna...umm...Dunder a bore...I guess?"I said, trying to be awesome neesssss

So the little kids thought we were lame and they ran away too.

"We're freaks!"I said.

"Cool!"she said.

Then we both said,

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And we lived happily ever after because the author just got a brilliant idea and is doing another chapter of this, that's why it was so short and I bet you're wondering if she's on crack but what I'm wondering is why am I saying this suff? Ok, ok...:)


	7. rafwrmos

**Ok, here's my brilliant plan. The words in parentheses are what the letters mean, ok? Duh. You'll understand soon enough!!!!!!!!**

* * *

So I like walked up to like Rosalie and like said, "Like YMHG!!!!!!!" (Yo my home girl)

"YYMP!!"she replied. (Yo yo my peep)

"Why are you guys talking like that and when did you become friends?"Edward asked.

"Um we're talking like this because we feel like it, and we are friends because...ummm...we feel like it.!"I said.

He nodded. That makes total sense-like.

"So, Rose, are you my tafbefasa?"I asked her(totally awesome fabulous bestest ever friend and so awesomeness!)

"Yes, I am your tafbefasa!!"she said, knowing what it meant.

"Oh kay, what the hell does that mean?"Edward asked.

"Well, duh!!! It means she's my totally awesome fabulous bestest ever friend and so awesomeness!"I said. "Am I you tafbefasa?"

"Yeah, you are!"Rosalie said.

"WOOOOO!!!!!!!!"we both said.

So now we have an anti-Edward language!

"Hey, can I join you anti-Eddy language?"Alice asked.

"Do you know what Operation: EISAMAWPI is?"

Duh, Operation: Eddy is such a moron and we'll prove it!"she said.

"Good, you're in!"

"HEY!!!"Eddy said. I stuck my tongue at him.

"So, am I your tafbefasa?"she asked.

"No, you're my rafwrmos!!"I said (Randomly Awesome friend who rocks my only sock)

"YAY!!! But why only 1 sock?"she asked.

"Because my other one was eaten by Lewis the carpet before he got sick and died."

"Ohh, okay!!!"

So we skipped away from Edward and laughed at him so much.


	8. Trippy Humaannnnnnn

**Ok, on with the random, boring story that I'm still waiting for ideas on. But I though of something that was not-so-original! MOO A HA HA!!!**

**tafbefasa** (totally awesome fabulous bestest ever friend and so awesomeness!)

**Operation: EISAMAWPI** (Operation: Eddy is such a moron and we'll prove it!)

**rafwrmos!!** (Randomly Awesome friend who rocks my only sock)

* * *

Bella's POV- 

I really hate Emmett.

"Rose, I hate Emmett."I said.

"Why?"she asked.

"Because I'm bored."

Emmett came in then. "Why, oh, why, do you hate me Bella?!"he asked.

"BECAUSE I'M BOREEDDDD!!!!"I repeated.

Rose nodded. "My tafbefasa is bored. Let's...do something un-boring!"

"But first I'm thirsty!"I said. So Emmett was gone and then he was back with a cup full of stuff. I think it was coke ??

So I drank it. "Yum, that was good, can I have some more?" And then I drank a few more cups of it until Rosalie went to the kitchen to see what it was..and came back.

Rosalie's POV-

"EMMETT CULLEN!!"I screamed. He looked at me scared-ly."Yes?"he asked innocently.

"YOU GAVE BELLA BEER???!?!!!!!"I said.

"Yes."Emmett said again. "What's wrong with that?"

"Humans get DRUNK, idiot!!" And when they get drunk, they...go...CRAZY!

"So?"

Emmett and I looked at Bella, and she smiled. Then she fell to the floor.

"Oh monkey-fish."I said. Edward was out hunting with the rest of the family except Alice and Jasper. Oh no...NOT. GOOD.

"Roseeeeeeee we need nicknames!!!"she announced from the floor.

"Alice!"I called. She was there suddenly, with Jasper at her side.

"Holy crapoli!"I said. "You're fast."

"Well, we are vampires."Alice shrugged and then looked at Jasper. His eyes were wide and then he looked disgusted.

"Jasper?"Alice said. Then I remembered that he could probably feel how drunk Bella was.

Bella sat up and looked at Jasper. "Jazzy, are you having a vision?"she said.

Alice gasped. "Omg, is my rafwrmos making fun of me?!"

I glared at Emmett. "Oops."was all he said.

"Bello-rina I'm not having a vision. That's Ali's Jobby."Jazzy said. Apparently, Bella has affected Jazzy-I mean, Jasper, badly.

Everyone stared at him blankly, except Bella, who laughed and fell down again. Jasper sat next to her. "So, I agree, we need nickk namesss!"he said, nodding.

"So,"Bella said, pointing up at Alice,"Alice is Pixie-Vision!"

Jazzy giggled. "And Rosy is Sexy Angel!"

"NOOOO!!! Eddy is Sexy Angel!!!"Bella said angrily.

"Ok, Rosy is Golden Devil then!!"Jasper said.

I stared at him quizzically. "Alice, what now?"I whispered to her.

"AND! Emmett is Mr Muscles!!"Bella said, pointing at Emmett.

"Bella, you're Trippy Human!"Alice said, giggling and ignoring me.

"And Jasper is just Jazzy,"Emmett added. Was I the only sane one left?

Then my gloriously beautiful cell phone rang. "Hello?"I said.

"Rosalie, is Bella there?"Edward asked. ...Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

"It's _Trippy Human_, to you! Bella, I mean. But you will also address me as _Golden Devil_."

"...Ok, well. Whatever. Is she there?"

"Who?"I challenged.

"BELLA!!"he growled.

"No. But _Trippy Human_ is here."I said.

"Well, can I...Wait, Rosalie, are you somehow drunk?"he asked confusedly.

"No, I, _Golden Devil_, am not drunk."I said, once again using the code name.

"Dammit, 'Golden Devil', can I just talk to 'Trippy Human'?"he asked, finally giving up.

I held out the phone to Trippy Human, who sat up again next to Jazzy and said, "Hullooo??"

With my super hearing, I heard Edward say, "Bella?"

"That's Trippy Humeeeen to you, bud."she said. I almost laughed.

"Uh...Trippy Human?"he said.

"Yusss, this this Trippy Humaaaan at the Super House of Code names, how may I help youuu?"

"Are you drunk?"he asked. I tried to contain my laughter.

"Mayyyy behhhh,"she said. "Who wants tehhh knoww?"

"Ummm...me?"Edward said.

"Omg, who iz 'me'?"Bella asked.

"Edward."

"OH!! You mean Sexy Angel?!"

"...Ok. I guess."

"Bye Sexy Angel,"Bella said, and was about to hang up when Edward said, "WAIT!!"

"WHAT!"Bella gasped.

"Is there any...sane person I can talk to there?"he asked.

"Nopetyyyy,"Bella answered.

"Emmett did it, didn't he?"Edward asked.

"Get me drunk you mean? Yuuuppp!!!"Bella said, laughing. "OMG, THE GOTHIC GORILLA IS AFTER ME!!!!!"she screamed.

"Sexy Angel, this was all part of Operation: EIAMAWPI,"Mr Muscles added.

Then Bella hung up and I burst out laughing. Emmett was chasing her around. He was the Gothic Gorilla  
. Wow. So I chased after him then.

"OMG, now the PREPPY PIG is after me!!!!"she screeched.

"PIG?!"I gasped, stopping.

"No, you're Golden Devil."Bella said drunkly.

"Oh, ok."

"The  
Endddddddddddd"

"No, Jazzy, not yet!!"

"What?!"

"Happy Christmassssssss everybodyyyyy!!!!!"

"Don't you mean Merry Christmas?"

"NO!!! HAPPYYY!!!!!!!!!"

Now the end. :)

Happy Christmas everybody, Happy Holidays,Peace.


	9. GAY No offense to anyone

**Ok here we go...Sorry about the wait people:D Ok, let's GO!!!!!!  
**

* * *

No one in partincular's POV- 

"B-but...this one's so, _shiny_!"Bella whined.

"Yeah, but this one has flowers on it!!"Alice argued.

Rosalie scoffed. "Oh, come on! This one is red and it stands out!" Of course she'd say that, she was Rosalie. She just thought that way...

"But!!!! But it's too...bright!!"

"Oh, and shiny isn't bright?"

Bella whimpered and pouted, knowing how right Rosalie was.

"Look, let's just get one that nobody likes!!"Alice suggested.

"NO, Never!! Then there would be no point! Can't you just see which one I get?"

"Can't you just SEE your MOM?!"Alice retorted.

Bella bit her lip and looked back and forth from the mechanical pencil in her hand, the shiny one, to the red one Rosalie had, then to Alice's flowered one.

"I like SHINY!!"she said stubbornly like a 4-year-old.

"I LIKE FLOWERS!!"Alice countered.

"I LIKE ATTENTION!!"

Well, Rosalie got her attention: everyone around them were looking toward the shouting in curiosity.

"I like grizzly bears,"said a little kid. Bella looked at him shocked. Only EMMETT likes grizzly bears!!

"Yeah?! Well, they don't carry GRIZLLY BEAR PENCILS, SORRY!!"

The little kid burst into tears and ran away.

"I agree; shiny's good,"said Rosalie, putting her pencil back on the shelf.

"Yeah, it's so...shiny!! I agree, let's get it!!"

So they walked up to the casheir and payed for it. But as they were leaving, the cashier girl muttered, "The red one's better."

"HAH!! TOLD YOU, DUMBASS!!"Rosalie bragged to Bella, and Bella stuck out her tongue.

* * *

"Why, Bella, why?"Edward asked. 

"It's for your own good, Eddy!"Bella insisted.

"ANYTHING but this, PLEASE!!!"Edward pleaded. Bella smiled deviously and shook her head. "Now, Edward, be quiet and turn it up..."

Edward growled annoyedly and turned the volume up all the way.

The music came blasting out of the speakers:

_Bye, bye, bye  
Bye, bye...  
Bye, bye...  
Oh, oh.. _

Im doin this tonight,  
Youre probably gonna start a fight.  
I know this cant be right.  
Hey baby come on,  
I loved you endlessly,  
When you werent there for me.  
So now its time to leave and make it alone  
I know that I cant take no more  
It aint no lie  
I wanna see you out that door  
Baby, bye, bye, bye... 

"BELLAA!!! NO, IT BURNSSSS!!!!!"Edward screeched. Bella sighed and rolled her eyes at him. "That's what you get for letting Em. get me drunk."

Edward sniffled and asked, "Isn't there anything I could do, instead?"

"WeLl..."Bella started, smiling evilly in a sweet way. (Huh?) "TO WAL-MART!!!!"

Edward looked at her with the "oh crap, what now?" expression before he drove away with her to the nearest Wally World.

"Okay, Eddy,"Bella said when the walked in, and went over to the clothes.

"Bella?! Why are we over here?"Edward asked, noticing...they were standing near the bras.

"EDWARD!! Okay, here's the plan--"

Before she could finish, Alice was there with a camera. "Okay Bella, this will ROCK!!"

"Okay. Eddy, you, go put a bra on!"Bella told him. "Pink,"Alice whispered. Bella nodded. "Pink."

Edward looked mortified. "You want me to...to...put one of those on?!"

"Over your clothes Edward,"Bella sighed. He disgustedly walked over to a pink bra and held it put in 2 fingers like it was some baby's gross diaper or something.

He fumbled with the clasp and Alice got it on camera, when he finally got it on right, and screamed, uncharicteristically punching the air with his fist, "Ha-ha!! VICTORY! I GOT THE BRA ON!!"

The 2 girls giggled, and he realized he was being "watched" and turned away.

"Now, Eddy..."Bella started.

--2 minutes later--

Bella and Alice watched with the video camera as Edward walked, scowling, up to a group of guys. They looked up as he approached.

"Hey guys,"he said in a fake, high, girlish voice. They exchanged freaked out glances, and they replied unenthusiastically, "Uh...hey," or something along those lines.

"So, like, are any of you, like, free tonight?"Edward asked, still in the girlish voice.

They all looked creeped out, except this one guy: "Oh, I'm free!! What are we doing?"

That caused them to be even more creeped out, and one guy muttered to another, "I SO TOLD YOU he was gay, Chuck!!" Chuck narrowed his eyes and replied, "I thought you did it to make me jealous that he was better at being gay than me!!"

This was all on the camera, even from far away you could hear it, and Alice was bouncing, so Bella had to hold the camera...which didn't do any good.

Edward kissed the one guy on the cheek, and wiggled his fingers in a girlish wave, walking away, and as he turned around, his smile disappeared, and the scowl was there again.

Bella and Alice smiled innocently at him, and then Alice left. So the gay guy came over to start hitting on Bella, which was why Alice left; to video tape this without Bella knowing.

"Um, but I thought you were gay?"Edward said to him.

"I am,"the guy said, as though it was obvious.

"B-but, Bella's a girl."

"Huh?! That's a _girl_?!"The guy looked closer at her and walked away, muttering about how disgusting girls were, the end.


	10. Singing songs off randomnesssss

**WOO!!! So, is anyone still reading this story? I dunno...If you want me to continue, REVIEW and if you don't...don't review. I got 0 reviews for the last chapter, so...**

**And if I don't continue...I'm screwed, as well as his story. ON WITH IT NOW**

**

* * *

**AliceEdward, Emmett, and I were sitting at a table...a rAnDoM table!

"Bellllllly!!!!!!"Alice sang.

"Whaaaaaaattttt?"I sang back. She didn't answer, that dunderbore.

Emmett smiled when Edward had to leave for a few minutes, and asked me, "Bella, can I borrow a strand of hair?" I followed his gaze to the chile, and smirked. I ripped a hair out and hand ded it to him carefully.

He dropped it into the chile, and walked over to a lunchlady. I knew the content of what he was saying, something like:

"Uhm, I found a hair...un this chile stuff."

He came back to the table. "The lunchlady asked if I wanted another, I said no."

"Wow, Em."I said.

"Ooh, Bella!! GUESS WHAT?! We all have names, and...we are foods!!"Alice squealed.

Uh...what's she talking about?

"See..like, Emmett is chicken salad! Bella you're kumquat, and I'm EGGPLANT!!"

Where in the whole world did she get this idea? Whatever...

"Are you my best friend?"I asked her. She nodded. "OK, then...LET's GO!!!!!"

we charged to the place...with the guy...and the people...and that big stamp machine...it was a big white place...hmm...what was it called?

"Welcome to the White house!"said a big dude mear the door. So...what was this place called again? It was a white house...with people..and stuff...OH!...Nope, I lost it.

"Hello young men!"said George W. Bush.

"Hello old lady!"I said back. "So, where are we again?"

"The White House,"he replied.

UGH!! "I KNOW! But, what's it called?!"I asked.

"It's called your mother!"he said, then left to go to California...or to send more innocent, young people with families off to war. Whichever...Same thing, right?

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"I screamed.

"What?"Alice asked, looking evilly around.

"Hi."

"Teenagers scare the living shit outta me,"she said.

"They could care less, as long as someone'll bleed."I said.

Emmett came inside, and sang:

"Yooooo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!!"

I gasped. "YES!!! So tell me whatcha want, whatcha really really want!!!"

"I wan--GEURGE BUSH!! EEEK!!!"Emmett said, going up and hugging Mr. Prez.

Then...the unthinkable happened: he started to sing... BRITNEY SPEARS. oh my god.

"Hell no."

Alice cringed.

"I'm just gonna...go...uhm...talk to Mr.Prez about being a vampire..."I scooted away...

Omg...The rain's wet!

* * *

**Yeah, it's EXTREMELY short, but I'm tired, ok?**


	11. Scotty Vanity RULEZ

**WOO!!! ****Same rules as last chapter: if I don't get enough reviews I'll just discontinue it. ON WITH IT NOW **

Oh. My. GOD!!!

So, Emmett, Alice, and I were sitting in the living room.

"OH MY GOD!!!"Emmett gasped.

"WhaT?"

"I know where Waldo** (I know in some places they call him something different) **is!!!!"

"Where?"I asked, I always did want to know...

"Well, let's just say he's in between 2 things, and he's making your mom scream,"Emmett said suggestively. Uh...ew?

"Emmett...ew."I shook my head in disgust.

"What?" Emmett asked, shrugging. "He's between his mom and dad, and he's beating her up!!"

That was better...Or was it? "Just...stay away from humor, Emmett."

He nodded and skipped off into the sunset.

---

Later, Alice and I were randomly humming and sitting on the couch, when Edward came in.

"Oh great,"he muttered upon seeing me. "Bella, what did you do?"

I looked around; eveything seemed fine to me... "What are you talking about?"

"Your arm!! What did you do to it?!"he asked in concern. I glanced at my arm, wrapped in a bandage and throbbing with pain.

"Oh, that..."I said, just remembering today's emo adventures that weren't so emo anyway.

"Well..."I started, sighing, to Edward, as Alice giggled beside me from the story.

"This morning, Alice and I were at my house, talking, and dancing, and singing...to stuff. And, yeah, my favorite song came on...and then Alice said that we should go to the mall, since, you know, that's what the song is about...So I panicked and changed the song, and it turned out to be another one of my favorite's but it was Alice's all-time favorite. So...she started singing, and so did I...we were singing into hairbrushes..." Here, Alice joined me to start the song. "_I wanna do your make up, when you wake up. So c'mon over, I'll make you over."_

"Yeah, I get it,"Edward said, shuddering visibly. "Alice sings it all the time...so what next?"

"OH, right! So I got bored after that and we were in a Scotty Vanity-ish mood, what with Let's go to the Mall and I wanna do your make up, so..." I took a deep, dramatic breath, and continued, "I was searching for another one, and we found Let's Dance, right? Soo...we started dancing, like it says to. I mean, the beat in that song is catchy! So," Alice joined me again, "_Call up all your friends and wear the latest trends. This is your chance to get up and dance. Let's strike up a pose at the disco, in our hot pink stilettos."_

"And then, when the funky music started, we danced around crazy-like,"I said, remembering the weirdness. "So, I was kind of headbanging-slash-jumping around, and I'm clumsy, you know...So, I slipped and Alice was doing a weird guitar solo thatdidn't have anything to do with the song. She saw me, and we both started laughing and then we sang to the rest of the song,laughing, and we sang I like your Hair. By that time, my arm was bleeding, so Alice took me to Carlisle."

Edward raised his eyebrow.

Alice spoke up, now. "And I got it on tape!!"

She danced over to the tv and put the tape in, something I hadn't known she did, and pressed play...

Then you would see me saying, "Alice!! I'm feeling like more Scotty Vanity, is there another one?" We were in my room by my stereo and I was looking through the radio channels to find something cool.

She gave me a CD and I popped it in, and Let's Dance came on. She smiled and we picked up our hairbrushes and sang, purposefully horrbile, into them. Once, I got a hair in my mouth and spit it out before continuing. Then the funky disco music came up and we danced, with our hair moving around our faces, and laughing.

I was jumping and shaking around, and then my foot slipped and I waved my arms around to keep my balance, but my arm instead found the side of the windowsill, and..._scrape._

I looked up at Alice, and she was doing her air-guitar imitation, until she looked over at me and laughed. We started singing again, and it was already at the part, _"Hello Kitty hair barrettes and lime green fish nets. We're the highlight of the nightlife. It's disco insanity, everybody's fantasy, get up and dance with Scotty Vanity."_

After we sang through I Like Your Hair, I blinked and looked at my arm. "Ow?"

That's when the screen went blank, and by now Emmett and Rosalie were here too. (They'd gone to see Waldo beating up Renee).

Everyone burst out laughing, including me, at how stupid I was.

"Alice, how did I not notice that, in my own room?"I asked through laughter.

"I am a vampire,"she commented, shrugging.

Then they walked away so I could eat my socks and get sick and die like Lewis the carpet...Remember him? A few chapters ago? Yup, he got a replacement...Sandra. I don't like her.

Later, Edward cornered Alice and I in the living room. Or was it the dead room? Hmm...

"Now, Alice, Bella, what lesson have you two learned today?"he asked sternly.

"Umm...to not do air-guitar solos while having earshattering loud music when someone is in need?"Alice guessed.

"Uh, maybe it was...to not fall when you're dancing to Scotty Vanity?"I suggested...Edward just smiled at us.

"Close enough."

* * *

**Yeah...I dunno...This was random...and it made no sense, I was feeling Scotty Vanity-ish today...Soooo...I actually did fall when I was dancing, too. It's hard to resist dancing to Scotty. :) And, luckily, there were no windows around...but I was outside and I fell down a hill. Oops. Oh well.**


	12. Dudets

**Okay, guys...HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!! Late, though...**

**ANYWAY guys...Some bad news. I'm deleting this story, along with all my other un-finished ones because I never get reviews...too bad, huh?**

**Well, for the last time, SEE YA GUYS!!**

**--Ninja Emmett. :)**


	13. Wow

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You guys sooooooo fell for it!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!**

**Don't worry, I wouldn't do that; no matter how many reviews, if it's not horribly low, I'll continue...**

**Remember in the first authors note when I said "Happy April Fools day"?**

**Yeah...**

**APRIL FOOLS!! !! !! !!**

**Sure, it was late but hey...It's the thought that counts! Now...I'll be updating each story very soon as a special treat :)**

**--Ninja Emmett. :)**


	14. Its God and A Hardon!

**Omg, could it be???!!! (that rimes with an r-i-m-e-s because i dont like the right way you spell it) Yup I'm writing chapter. yayy for you :)**

**Let the randomness occur!!! (I'm out of ideas so dont critisize the crazy-randomness that youll be like "wtfooj?")**

**

* * *

**"My name?" I asked. "Why, uhm, Timothy, of course!!" I said to a guy who happened to be hitting on me.

"HEY!" Rosalie growled. "She's mine!!"

"I hate you anyway, rosaline!!!" this dude said with no capital letter and also with an "n" in it.

Rosalie and I went to the park and said "Duuuuuuuurrrrrrr". "Lets Go Scissor!!" I exclaimed.

We ended up not scissoring because Edward scissored with her.

Sigh.

"Hey Bella..." Edward said. "BELLA?"

"Hmmmmm yeah?" I said.

"Guess who I talked to?"

"Hmm, who?"

"The--"

"I always thought you were gay!!!!!!"

His eyes got very wide he looked down to his chicken-cock-ish area and then back up, "I am NOT!!!!" Then. he got a hard-on.

Awkward... "Bloop" I said.

"What," he said, "are you crapping or something?" He looked down. "Bloop. Oooohhh.....there it goes."

I gave him a look and peered at his butt. Ooooh, fine.

"W-well.." Edward said, "YOUR EYES ARE AN ASSWIPE!!!" It's true. my eyes are very brown.

"Your eyes are a bullshit wipe!!" I retorted...but it made no sense.

Alice came up and stuck her tongue out at Eddy-wardo. "It's okay Bella, your eyes aren't an asswipe...your hands are." UGHHH she was sooooo right!!!!!

Edward tried to sing The Kill by 30 Minutes to Jupiter...he doesnt even know the lyrics!!!

"He doesnt even know the lyrics...oh my God," I muttered to Alice.

"Yessss?" she answered. Huh? "You said God and I answered."

I laughed. ha. ha. ha.

"Why are you laughing at me?! I'm God!!! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!!!"

I started to talk to Edward. "Yep and then God said...blah. oh and also the blah-blahtey blah blash!!"

"Oh I see," Alice said bitterly. "Talking to Edward and not me, turning yo back on GOD!!!??"

I ignored her and continued flirting with my fiance...

"Yeah, Blah, I love Asian Porn."

GASP!!!! Edward-i-o-y watches PORN!!!!!

"ALICE!!!" I screeched. "Edward watches porn!!!! He said so!!! Punish him and send him to hell!!!"

"No. Because you turned yo back on me...Bitch."

And also...the end :)

(Says Car-god-lisle, not Al-god-ice)

* * *

**Toldja it was weird and random =P**


	15. SLUTS

**Thank you for reviewing, peeps. Yupppppppp.**

**So now i must write stuff. yup.**

**The _Bold/italic_ parts are the mind reader :D The **underlined** parts are Alice's VISION andddd the **_italic _**parts are their thoughts **

**Oh. and also...most of the outfit parts are on my profile too...yup.**

**

* * *

**

**_Today in this chapter of this story, we shall look to see what certain people are thinking..._**

**_And, now....A look into the mind of EMMETT!!!_**

_................................................................................................ -cricket noises- ...........................................................................................................cheese-doodle._

**_Well...that was totally worthless!!_**

**_Let's try Alice's mind..._**

_Shopping and ABC's, that's what I loveeeeeeee, _she sang-thought. _and now I will-- GASPO!!!!! I'm going into a vIsIoN!!!_

Alice was sitting there, think-singing, when suddenly she went into a vision about her having a vision about this vision that she was having a vision about...**_And then Alice got a migraine, which she prolly can't get anyway!!_**

_**Oh, It's Rosalie time...**_

_My hair is so....pretty. And my face is so.....pretty. And my body is so--** Lemme guess...PRETTY? **_

_Psh, no!!! My body is just sexy!!! I'm sexier than my car, which is saying something, dude. Now I shall skip into the mooooooonset. not the suuuuuunset, the mooooooonset. with 7 o's..._

_And if you just counted the o's, then you're a dork._

**_Now let's visit Jasper..._**

_Oh no...Emmett's head is still empty. I can tell because he has no feelings. Alice is excited, Rosalie is...conceited. and the author is just CRAZAYYYYYYYYY. **why thank you!!**_

**_Bella next-_**

_Ding dong the Wicked Witch is dead!!!! I feel like I'm being listened to....eavesdropped on._

_Hmmm I wonder why...? Oh god, there is my beautiful man-boy!!! -drool drool- Edwwwwwwwwwwwwarrrrrrrrrrrrdddddd......_

**_EDWARD TIME!!!!_**

_Oy. It's that time of month again..._ And he snuck into his room, lifted his carpet, and deposited a few certain feminine hygiene products in the little secret compartment. He swallowed an ibuprofen and looked in disgust down at the bloody stuff. _Hmmm I kinda feel bad about lying to Bella like this, but oh well. it's for the best. I'm glad we don't have a sexual relationship until Breaking Dawn or else she'd find out!! By the time we get married I'll go through menapause..._

_Dammit Rosalie stop being so conceited!!! I can hear you ya know..._

_

* * *

_

_"_It's weird..." Bella started as they all sat in the Cullen's living room.

"Yeah," Rosalie continued, staring into a mirror, "I feel like I was violated too."

"THAT'S MY JOB!!!!!" Emmett roared.

Dot, dot dot...

"Even _I _feel like someone read my mind..." Edward said.

"Alice!!" Bella said. "Let's GO!!!"

Alice and Bella linked their arms and skipped to the costume store and then after a few randomly uneventive events, they kicked down the Cullen door, still with their arms linked.

"Oops..." Bella muttered.

"I'll repay Esme later," Alice whispered. But then they straightened up and looked suspiciously around the room full of people.

Alice's costume was...well...

"ALICE!!!!" Jasper gasped. "WHAT THE FUCK!??!?!?!!!?!" Wow. "Why the hell are you dressed like a hooker??"

Alice giggled. "Why, whoever are you talking about? I'm not Alice...I'm-I'm, uh..." She glanced at Bella.

"Ali- I-I mean _she _is called...SEDUCTION LADY!!!" Bella announced. Alice looked pleased. She was wearing knee-high black boots and pretty much just a tight, small corset edged with lace, and underwear. "That's me," Alice agreed with a nod, a giggle, and a smile.

"Alice..." Jasper growled.

"Oh, let them have their fun," Edward called from upstairs. He walked down the stairs at human pace, and Jasper muttered, "You just wait till you see them..." Bella blushed. Obviously she was having too much fun to really care all that much that she was practically nake--

"**_ISABELLA MARIE SWAN_**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Edward roared (with bold, italic, and underlined, yes). His voice shook the house as he screeched in outrage and ran quickly back upstairs.

Everyone laughed, naturally. They all took a good look at Bella.

"Wow, Bella..." Rosalie said, shaking her head and chuckling. Bella was wearing an artificial, bright red coconut bra and a (hula skirt, I betcha thinkin a hula skirt...NO!) She was wearing also pink boy shorts panties and fishnet salkings (no not stockings, either) with lace at the top. She was worse than Alice, honestly...

"She's not Bella!!" Alice, or Seduction Lady, said. "She's...er... SUPER uh....SLUTTY WOMAN!!!!"

Edward rushed back down and went straight over to Bella. He held a huge sheet and immediately covered her with it like a cape.

"Bella," he whined, "what the hell were you thinking?! This is NOT fun for anyone!!"

"It is _so _fun for everyone 'cept you...Plus, I'm Super Slutty Woman, not Bella," Bella insisted.

She slowly slid her sheet off and it fell to the floor, leaving her mostly naked again.

"Anyway," she said, "c'mon Seduction Lady, let's look for the crime..."

The two waddled (as in, really girly, wiggle-yo-hips-walk) up the stairs...Well we have no idea how they did it or where they went or what they did up there, but...

The boys all stared after them, they mouths open, and Rosalie slapped Emmett although it didn't phase him one bit as he kept on staring...

Until the girls were out of sight.

Emmett quickly got bored and looked down at the sheet on the floor. His face brightened as her remembered the adventures of Thunder Man and Edward(s) Man, and how he never got a cape. He picked it up and tried to pull it around his neck and tie it, but he was too bulky and it ripped down the middle.

"DAMMIT, I'LL NEVER GET A CAPE!!!!!" He screamed to no one in particular.

Carlisle and Esme walked downstairs at human pace. "Uh....guys?" Carlisle asked. "Any reason that there are 2 random girls upstairs in very skimpy clothes?"

"Oh," Rosalie said nonchalantly, "you mean Alice and Bella?"

"Uh, no that's not them," Esme said. "Psh."

The others were utterly confused...who else could it be?

Then two girls dressed in exactly Alice and Bella's cothing came down. Except Seduction Lady had on a white beaded mask, and Super Slutty Woman had on a black superhero mask.

"Whoa, who are you?" they all asked in unison. Bella and Alice (unknown by the others) turned to each other, smiled, and high-fived.

"We must find the evil!!!" They ran away and came back in ten minutes.

"We found out who it was!!!" Alice announced.

"Who what was, Oh-Mysterious-Seduction-Lady?" asked Edward.

"The person reading all of our minds, except not Carlisle and Esme's cuz they are just too boring for that." Carlisle and Esme scoffed at that.

"Who was it?!" they asked.

"It was....HER!!!" Bella announced, pointing to a teenager who was looking into a computer screen, typing these exact words with her brown hair in a ponytail and her pinky-finger straight up as she typed, as if it would eat you (inside joke) with a black shirt on about aLiEnS and earphones in her ear listening to...oh...wait...Gives You Hell at 11:29 PM.

"LE GASP!!!!!" they all exclaimed. "Wait..." Edward looked closer. "She's the author. duh."

_**OH NO!!!! I was caught!!! How'dya know??**_

"Well," Alice said modestly, "we followed the words." Of course...

"Now that you found out," Edward pleaded, "Will you PLEASE take those ridiculous clothes off?"

"SHE MADE US WEAR THEM!!!" Alice excalimed.

"I was rather hoping you'd like to take them off for me, Edward," Bella said seductively.

"WOOOO HOO!!!!" Emmett called.

Bella blushed. "She made me say it..."

**_Oh. no. Don't blame this one on me!!!_**

**_The end....of the chapter of course._**

Bella and Alice changed back to normal clothes and went downstairs again. Emmett seemed too content....soooo they whipped out their capes and stood right in front of him. He cried. Yup.

"By the way..." Emmett said. "Rosalie, why didn't you help them with their sexy escapade?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Cuz I get to help next time...and we're leaving Bella out, muahahaha!!!"

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**Review please...thanks. yup. byyyyyyyyyyyye.**


	16. uhm

Okay. well right now...I'm just saying that I started thinking about certain things...and yeah. well, naturally, i cant expect anyone to take ME seriously if i talk about anything like that. soooo I'm a bit...blue. so i wont really be updating for a while cuz yeah i wont be in a fit mood. plus, whats worse is that school starts again soon. like REALLY soon. so yeah

Dont expect any updates for a while then. k

Bye.


	17. Death Note!

**I hate this thing. I already tried writing this twice, and the second time i was doing well and i was halfway through when the thing clicked on something that i did not click!!! So i have to rewrite this AGAIN. UGHHHHHHH!!**

** in other news...i'm sooo sorry. i had a really long apology before, but now i dont feel like it. damn. So anyway. Sorry. good things: Only one week left of school, and at the end of june im goin to Massachusetts with my daddio and i should wear a sign that says NINJA EMMETT for anyone who reads my stories to see me...blahblha.**

** Bad things: this chapter was deleted twice and im redoing it again but i mentioned that. i believe that i'm gettin carpal tunnel. I have to get to Massachusetts by plane, which i am not looking forward to. imma die. uhhh also...i think thats all. oh. and im hungry. and i have like no ideas so i'm makin it up as i go along!!!!! and my shift key is purty much broken except this little black rubber circle where it used to be, so if i have any uncapitalized words, i apologize. plus i cant copy and paste cuz the stupid thing wont let me without saying "internet explorer is not responding, lets all shut it down, woo!" ugh. here ya go:**

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"My name is Bella, i've gotta vampire guy with lips like morphine. Do-da-do," I sang as I skipped through the park. Then I tripped. Ow? I looked back to see if i had tripped on something or if it had been just my clumsy feet trying to kill me again.

I saw a little black book and picked it up. _Death Note, _it was called. Weird name. I opened it and read the first few pages, which were black with white writing. It said things about "the human whose name is written in this note shall die" and "if the time of death is not specified the victim will just die in 40 seconds" and "if the cause of death is not specified the victim will die of a heartattack."

Yeah, right. I doubted it was real...but I decided to test it out. I poised my pen from seemingly nowhere on top of the first blank page. It'd have to be someone mean, someone that no one cared about, someone bad...Mike Newton.

I ran to his window. I knew where it was because of my secret escapades (cheating on Eddie) with Mike a few months ago. I looked in the window to see Mike, dancing to some weird song that went, _I'm slipping into the lava..._ Oh gosh. You do not want to imagine the dance moves he was experimenting with right now. Ugh.

Quickly, I wrote his name down and counted to forty in my head. At thirty-nine, his eyes grew wide, and then he collapsed onto the floor. Dead. Oh my gosh.

I ran (i was doing quite a lot of that today, wasn't I?) to my people's house.

"EDWARDOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. He was next to me instantly.

"Hello, ugly," he said.

"WHAT?!" i exclaimed.

"Kidding, kidding!" he waved his hand at me. "Gosh, take a joke."

"So, Edward. I found this today!" I held up the Death Note and he read the first page.

"Bella. Oh, my hideous little Bella," he said as I glared. "You didnt write a name in this right?"

I coughed and hid my pen in my back pocket. "Noooo.....of course not!! Heh. Why would I do that?! Psh."

He looked deeeeeeep into my eyes. "You swear?"

"Every damn day!" I joked. He gave me a 'not funny' look.

"No, i don't. Because i did."

"WHAT?!" he yelled. "Whose name?"

"Mike Newton."

He relaxed and smiled. "Good. He was worthless."

"I dunno," I debated out loud, "he was pretty good in bed, to be honest." He blinked at me.

"Uh...I mean...so I've heard," I stuttered.

Then I wrote Edward's name in my beautiful Death Note, hoping it would work. At thirty-nine, his eyes went wide as Mike's had, then rolled back into his head. Ew? Then Edward collapsed...as Mike had.

"Coolio," I said, shrugging. "Hey guys!! Edward's dead, let's party!" I shouted to the other Cullens.

Suddenly there was a disco ball above me, people around me dancing to the beat of loud music, and food. Yummy.

Then Edward got up, looking furious. Damn. Suddenly, again, everything was gone.

"How dare you guyS!" he accused. "You dare to throw a party when I'm dead?!"

"Well, Eddie," Emmett started.

"Yeah," Carlisle said with his cape on. "Well." Emmett glared at him. And, as if just noticing this, he glared at everyone else in the room: we were all wearing capes.

"WHY CAN I NEVER WEAR A CAPE!?" Emmett exclaimed to the sky.

"You're fat!" Alice said.

Edward kissed me randomly and then Alice said, "You're fat too, Edward-o!"

So Edward got sad. The end. Because a sad Edward makes for a Happy Everyoneelse!! Poor, poor moody woman!

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Woo. Random? Review pleasey and then I'll update. See, now i have a good idea for my next chappie! woo. im happy.


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